It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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