3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So drunk its hurt
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
