so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
