3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
