dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
