WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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