the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
