I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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