saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
