Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
