Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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