I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
