Porn is love you can see.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize