i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
