Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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