mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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