just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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