you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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