fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
