This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
