You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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