you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
