I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
