We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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