Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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