just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
