so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
