Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
