Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
