After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
