4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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