i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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