He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Someone signed my nipple.
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