It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
