But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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