I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
