I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
