hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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