I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
