i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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