Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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