Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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