My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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