I heard we made out
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
