If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
