I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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