Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
