I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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