the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
