I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
