I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
