U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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