see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
