I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
